Five Ideas To Help You Parent During A Pandemic

There were not many books available on effective parenting during a Pandemic and for good reason.  No one could have imagined how your lives were going to change so rapidly without much time to prepare. Literally overnight, routines were shattered and the question of how long this will continue has yet to be answered.

Many families have been thrown for a huge loop.  Wondering how this will impact them financially, whether it is safe to go to the grocery store, or order in pizza, have become central concerns. In addition, many parents have been given the role of managing their child being schooled at home while at the same time covering their own work responsibilities if they are employed.

All of this, plus isolation from others, have placed extremely high levels of stress on families. Parents who previously felt confident in their role, can suddenly feel lost, overwhelmed, or just plain ineffective. I would like to offer some words of reassurance based on my years of treating children and parents, including my current work supporting families during the pandemic.

Look Out For Yourself

This is the most important piece of advice I would like to offer you. You will not suddenly lose your understanding and sensitivity while raising your child(ren) during the pandemic. However, the change in lifestyle along with other pressures can make you feel as if you forgot everything you knew about being a parent.

In order to have your energies, physical and mental, available to parent, you have to first make sure you have enough to give. Self-care is critical during this time. It is not a sign of selfishness to take some time out for yourselves. All parents need to replenish so their emotional tanks are full, otherwise they will feel nothing left to give their children.

So, go ahead and take the time to binge watch that T.V. series you always wanted to see, take time to work out, go for a bike ride, download a mediation app and use it, or attempt that 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle or that recipe you have been meaning to try. Set aside a definite time to pamper yourself

Nobody’s Perfect

Even under the best of circumstances, uncertainties about your parenting can emerge.  Self-doubt, can creep into many decisions we make. In part this can be fueled by believing that we must be flawless with no room for trial and error which incidentally, is a very effective form of learning.  You must not hold yourselves to an unrealistic high standard.

During this period, it can make sense to follow the path of least resistance. For instance, if your child wants an extra half hour on the iPad perhaps it is a good idea. However, they should know that while they enjoy greater access to video games, it is a function of the current situation.  When things return to normal (or some facsimile) access to video games will revert to prior pandemic levels.

Don’t compare yourself to other parents. Each child has a distinct genetic and emotional makeup and their dispositions can differ greatly. Comparing children is like equating apples to oranges.  While a particular strategy works for one parent, it does not mean it will work in your situation. Also, no one knows what really goes on behind the closed doors of other families.

“Invisible threads are the strongest ties.”  (Friedrich Nietzsche)

This quote by the renowned German philosopher, highlights the value of having meaningful connections with others. While it always has been important to have time to spend with friends, doing so now is crucial. This is as true for your kids as it is for you. As immediate family members are the only people you should see without social distancing, it can put a huge strain on those relationships.

Maintain contact with those outside of your family to reduce stress. Go for a socially distant walk with a friend, or arrange a zoom happy hour. I have seen teenagers, as well as adults, park their cars in a big circle in a parking lot and sit in their open trunks while they catch up. Friends can be a vital part of our maintaining a sense of normalcy during these very non normal times.

In fact, a recent study demonstrated that people who had an interaction with someone they care deeply about reported an increase in energy greater than people who drank a cup of coffee in the same time frame.

Also, try to reconnect with those you have lost touch with. Think about reaching out to that friend or relative you have not seen in years and check in to see how they are doing. This simple act of kindness will not only have a big impact on those you reach out to, but you will feel really good for doing so.

Give Gratitude

This can feel like a challenge especially if your family is dealing with the impact of Covid-19 first hand.  Because so much of your lives now are not under your control, this can contribute to feelings of passivity and helplessness. Eventually you may risk slipping into a state of depression.

An effective strategy to cope is to practice gratitude. Evidence demonstrates the positive impact that feeling gratitude can have on our emotional and physical states. Practicing gratitude can release feel good hormones in our brain which can elevate our mood.

When you brush your teeth in the evening or before falling asleep while lying in bed, think about three things you are grateful for that happened during that day. Try not to repeat the same things daily but really take the time to identify things that are unique to that day. They can be big or small. It may not always be easy but it will train your brain to seek out the positive around you.

“Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” (The Temptations)

Finally, follow the advice of that great Motown group, The Temptations. Do not hesitate to reach out if you feel you need support. Start with your partner or other close family member and try to work out a doable schedule that attempts to balance being a parent, spouse, employee and teacher. Parents will need to make significant changes in their division of labor to help each other out.

Don’t let pride keep you from reaching beyond the family for support.  Despite the pandemic, mental health professionals are available remotely to help you sort out your feelings and assist in coming up with strategies to help get your life back on track.

Final Word

No one would ever sign up to parent during a pandemic. However, we are all doing it. Remember to be kind to yourselves and allow for moments of anguish.  It is from these that we can emerge stronger than ever!

“I came to parenting the way most of us do — knowing nothing and trying to learn everything.” — Mayim Bialik, actress