Practicing Gratitude: It’s Not Just For Thanksgiving

Below is a revised copy of my previous blog detailing the benefits of practicing gratitude. It has been updated to reflect new research and additional strategies for practicing gratitude.

Practicing Gratitude: It’s Not Just For Thanksgiving

Beyond watching football, parades, and overeating, Thanksgiving is dedicated to giving thanks for our blessings. Many families have a tradition of going around the table so everyone can share what they are grateful for that year. Research on gratitude reveals that practicing it has many benefits, which begs the question: why only express gratitude on Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving - A Short History

The Pilgrims celebrated the first Thanksgiving in 1621, following their first year in their new home, a year that had been one of famine, disease, and death. Having finally experienced a bountiful harvest, the Pilgrims held a celebratory meal to give thanks that they had made it through a challenging time.

Thanksgiving became a national holiday in 1863 during the Civil War. In 1941, less than three weeks after Pearl Harbor, Thanksgiving became a holiday on the fourth Thursday in November. During these difficult times, Presidents Lincoln and Roosevelt recognized that expressing gratitude would positively impact the country. It promoted unity and hope.

What Is Gratitude?

Gratitude has been defined as “a sense of wonder, thankfulness, and appreciation for life.” There are two related steps to gratitude.

1. Acknowledging the good in our lives, such as the people we love, good health, food to eat, a home, etc.

2. Recognizing that the source of these blessings is, to some extent, outside of our own doing. Thus, when we acknowledge the good things in our lives, we recognize that we are not the only reason for this goodness. Gratitude has an interpersonal component, allowing us to acknowledge others when we give thanks.

Psychological Impact

Practicing gratitude is linked to lower rates of depression and strengthening positive emotional states such as optimism and tranquility. Practicing gratitude helps to regulate emotions. Feeling grateful can inoculate us from stress and minimize the impact of toxic emotions such as envy and resentment.

One study found that Vietnam War veterans who practiced gratitude had lower rates of post-traumatic stress disorder. Recognizing that you have things to be grateful for, even in challenging times, fosters resilience.

One study found a connection between practicing gratitude and a greater appreciation of nature. Feeling attuned to nature reduces stress and promotes a feeling of overall calm.

Physical Impact

Healthwise, practicing gratitude promotes more robust immune systems and fewer stress-related illnesses. They also have healthier hearts. Those who practice gratitude report sleeping better and engaging in exercise more than people who do not practice giving thanks. Grateful people are more likely to care for their health, contributing to greater longevity.

Other physical benefits of gratitude include reduced symptoms of physical pain, lower blood pressure, better sleep quality, and overall better cardiac health. In one recent study, subjects who had high levels of gratitude had a 9% lower risk of death of any cause, including cancer and neurodegenerative disease.

In one study, practicing gratitude lessened the risk of death from cardiovascular disease by 15%.

One study reported that grateful teens were less likely to smoke or become smokers. Adults who already smoked and practiced gratitude were more likely to quit. This relationship was seen to lower intentions to use drugs regardless of age. Practicing gratitude may be a tool that can be especially helpful in helping teenagers avoid using drugs.

Gratitude Can Change Our Brain

Another fantastic benefit of gratitude is that it changes how our brains adapt to the world. Specifically, when we practice gratitude, the parasympathetic nervous system, which is a calming center, is triggered and releases neurotransmitters such as oxytocin and dopamine, which help to de-stress us while elevating our mood.

Social Impact

Practicing gratitude can also impact the quality of our relationships by strengthening our bonds with others. Practicing gratitude promotes a feeling of social belonging and less loneliness. It can help reduce resentment and foster forgiveness. Expressing gratitude can foster a sense of altruism, making us more likely to donate to charity and engage in volunteer work.

Living with an attitude of expressing gratitude helps us behave more kinder to others. Reduced likelihood of aggression and displaying more sensitivity and empathy to others is also a benefit of gratitude. In short, gratitude helps us behave in a prosocial way. Individuals who feel appreciated by their partner are more confident, satisfied, and committed.

One study found a connection between practicing gratitude and a greater appreciation of nature. Feeling attuned to nature reduces stress and promotes a feeling of overall calm.

Some Gratitude Practices

Gratitude is a compelling emotion that pays dividends for all. How can we experience its benefits?

Specific gratitude practices can get you started on the road to giving thanks, showing appreciation for the goodness in your life, and partaking in the benefits of this emotion. Here are some that you can consider implementing on your gratitude journey.

Three Good Things

Getting caught up in things that can go wrong and taking the good things and people in our lives for granted is easy. As a result, we can overlook many good things.

Write down three things that went well each day for at least one week. This is more beneficial than simply doing this exercise in your head. The items can range from small, everyday events to more important milestones (e.g., “My partner made the coffee today,” “My grandparents were happy when I brought them groceries,” or “I earned a big promotion”).

As you write, try these tips.

Give the event a title. “I received a compliment on something I have been working on,” or “Someone gave me their place in line at the grocery store.”

Write down what happened in as much detail as possible, including where you were, what you did or said, and, if others were involved, what they did or said.

Include how this event made you feel at the time and how it made you feel later (including as you write it).

Explain what you think caused this event and why it happened.

Use your unique writing style. Do not worry about grammar or spelling. Use as much detail as you would like.

If you find yourself dwelling on negative feelings, try to refocus your mind on the good event and the positive feelings that came with it. This can take effort, but it gets easier with practice and can make a real difference in how you feel. In doing this, we want to train our brain to orient itself to the good things in our lives rather than directing our attention to negative ones.

It is easier to cultivate a deep feeling of gratitude by noticing good things as they occur and savoring them, then reflecting on them in hindsight. This can increase your overall happiness and well-being.

Gratitude Journal

Keeping a journal of things we are grateful for takes more time than the ‘Three Good Things’ exercise above because we write about more information, but it can be done every other day or so. Each entry should ideally cover the period since the previous one and include at least five things we feel grateful about.

Here are four tips for keeping a gratitude journal.

Writing in your gratitude journal just before bed can help improve sleep. When our head hits the pillow, sometimes we think of things we did not get done or worry about what will happen tomorrow. Writing down your blessings before bed can switch off those thoughts, reduce stress, and help you fall asleep because you are thinking about good things.

On the other hand, maybe you find that writing in your gratitude journal about your previous day first thing in the morning starts you off on the right foot for the new day. Alternatively, perhaps jotting down what you are thankful for at lunchtime energizes and boosts you. Find a time that works for you whenever you are most likely to do it.

Start with a goal of writing three things in each gratitude journal entry. Did you wake up today? Did you have hot water to take a shower? Do you have a roof over your head? Maybe you did not win the lottery, but if you can get back to the basics, you will start to notice all the little things you take for granted without even noticing.

Maybe someone let you merge in on the highway instead of blowing right by. Perhaps someone complimented you, or you felt good about complimenting someone else. Maybe you enjoyed a quick walk around the block in the sun. A gratitude journal helps you be more present as you are more aware of the goodness in your life as you are experiencing it.

Try not to overcomplicate it, but the more details you can write about a positive experience, the better you will remember it. Details are powerful because the mind cannot distinguish between real-time and imaginary time. You experience the same mind-body response writing out the details as you did living it!

For example, maybe you enjoyed your cup of coffee this morning. Was it hot or iced? What mug did you use? Where did you sit when you enjoyed it? As you write about the details of a positive experience, you relive it. We constantly revisit adverse incidents in our heads, so why not focus on a positive one instead?

Writing a gratitude journal will help you begin noticing yourself [self-aware?] and appreciating the positive aspects of your life while putting the negative ones into better perspective.

Day of Thanks

Over the next week or month, choose a day to serve as your personal Thanksgiving. On that day, go out of your way to express gratitude to anyone who treats you kindly, even for small acts. Someone might have held the door for you or asked how you were doing. Afterward, write about it, noting whom you thanked and what it was like to express gratitude.

Expressing positive feelings directly to people around us can reinforce our recognition that good things are happening in our lives, bolster gratitude for them, and strengthen positive emotions, all of which help our well-being.

Six Questions To Evoke Gratitude

We all have days when we do not feel particularly grateful. However, if we ask ourselves specific questions, it can help stimulate feelings of gratitude. Examples of such questions can include:

·        What happened today that was good?

·        What am I taking for granted that I can be thankful for?

·        Which people in my life am I grateful for?

·        What is the last book, movie, or T. V. show I saw that I appreciated and why?

·        What am I most looking forward to this week, month, and year, and why?

·         What is the kindest thing someone has said to me or done for me lately?

Gratitude Practices For Children

The benefits of gratitude do not have to be limited to adults. In fact, not only do children and teenagers who practice gratitude derive the same benefits as adults, but it helps kids perform better academically and show more compassion for their peers. Below are a few gratitude practices designed especially for children and teens.

Pick Up Sticks Game

This is a variant of the pick-up sticks game in which a pile of colored sticks is dropped on a table or floor, and each player has to pick up a stick without moving the surrounding ones. The player with the most sticks wins.

To infuse this game with gratitude, add a twist. Every time someone picks up a stick successfully, they have to name something they are grateful for, such as people, places, food, an object, or anything of the child’s choice.

Gratitude Collage

Children can look through magazines or draw pictures to create a collage of things that make them feel thankful. Encourage them to provide any details they can recall about what they created. If this is done at home, the collage can find a home on the fridge; if it is done in a classroom setting, the collages of all the students can create a gratitude bulletin board for the class.

Gratitude ABCs

Have a sheet of paper with the alphabet in a column going down the left margin with a blank line following each letter. Ask the child to write something they are grateful for that begins with the letter on each line. An adult can create an alphabetical list, which can help the child recall examples of things that make them feel grateful.

Gratitude Scavenger Hunt

Create a list of items children can collect from around the house or classroom, and discuss why they are grateful for them. Prompts can include finding something that makes you laugh, be proud of yourself, keep you healthy, or bring you joy. The child can talk about their thoughts and feelings about the item and how their life would be different without it.

A Final Word

Practicing gratitude can become a habit and one with far-reaching effects. Both the person expressing gratitude and the one receiving that expression (sometimes being surprised by the acknowledgment!) can reap benefits that can far surpass the reason for the gratitude in the first place.

Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other, a sentiment neatly summed up by the author Zig Zigler

“Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for.”

Elmo's Wake-Up Call: How A Tweet Sparked A National Conversation On Mental Health

The Context

          In my June 2024 blog, I discussed a tweet from Elmo, the popular character on Sesame Street.  Elmo tweeted, "Elmo is just checking in.  How is everyone doing?".  This tweet on X got 200 million views and tens of thousands of responses. 

          Elmo and the rest of the Sesame Street organization were unprepared for the massive response to this seemingly innocent tweet.  While many responses were neutral or positive, a huge number were quite negative, emphasizing acute feelings of depression and anxiety. 

         Some examples of replies to Elmo's tweet included;

"Every morning, I cannot wait to go back to sleep.  Every Monday, I cannot wait for Friday to come.  Every single day and every single week for life"'

"Honestly, Elmo, I need a hug."

"I shouldn't have rushed wanting to be an adult.  I need a break, big guy."

"Elmo, I'm depressed and broke."

"I'm at my lowest.  Thanks for asking."

CNN opined, "The responses to Elmo's innocuous question should be etched into stone so future generations can know exactly how we felt in 2024."

          Elmo responded to this outpouring of human misery by tweeting;

"Wow!  Elmo is glad he asked!  Elmo learned that it is important to ask a friend how they are doing.  Elmo will check in again soon, friends!  Elmo loves you."

This was excellent advice.  When dealing with stress and unhappiness, it is so important not to withdraw but to seek out friends, family, and, if necessary, mental health professionals to help sort out emotions and receive support.

Follow Up To Elmo's Tweet

          Due to the overwhelmingly negative responses to Elmo's tweet, Sesame Workshop, which produces Sesame Street, teamed up with the Harris Poll, a well-known consulting and marketing research firm.  Over 2,000 respondents ages sixteen and older were interviewed, and the findings were released in "The State Of Well-Being Report/"

          Among the notable findings of the survey was that the vast majority of the respondents believed that mental health is just as important a priority as economic stability.  Among the variables negatively impacting the mental health of the respondents in descending order included:

•      Personal finances/economic security: 41%

•      You/your family's current physical health: 28%

•      You/your family's current emotional/mental health: 27%

•      Effects of climate change: 23%

•      Not having a solid network of friends or family: 23%

•      Racism or discrimination: 23%

•      Substance abuse: 16%

•      Not being able to be your authentic self: 15%

•      Lacking access to high-quality education/learning opportunities: 14%

In fact, over half of the respondents indicated that they are still dealing with the aftereffects of the COVID-19 pandemic.

People are struggling.  81% of the respondents agreed, "Leaders of our institutions need to reorient their priorities around well-being." It seems our society is looking for help navigating very adverse life circumstances. 

What's Next

     An idea strongly endorsed by respondents, particularly those aged 18-43, is to emphasize the development of healthy social/emotional skills in schools, which is on par with academics.  The vast majority of respondents agreed with the statement, "I wish I had been taught more about how to understand and manage my emotions as a child," 

84% of the parents in the study agreed with this, and most respondents were educators.  Parents and teachers are feeling the need to have resources to help their kids develop adequate coping skills as they are feeling overwhelmed by the mental health needs of children and teenagers.

 Ninety percent of respondents agreed that schools need to teach kindness to students, suggesting that they believe this quality is in short supply among kids in our society.  

             A shift in how our culture prioritizes mental health needs to be considered. 

In addition to skyrocketing rates of child and adolescent mental illness, the U.S. Surgeon General recently issued a public health alert for parents, citing a recent survey in which 33% of parents reported high levels of stress compared to 20% of nonparent adult respondents in the survey.

     The conclusion is very frightening.  If children, teens, and their parents are experiencing growing rates of psychological unwellness, our society as a whole is at risk.  There are no easy answers to this situation, but we must be prepared to devote resources to help those most in need.

A Final Word

     What began as a banal tweet by a puppet has struck a nerve with a large segment of society.  People jumped on sharing their misery and despair with the follow-up survey, which further confirmed it.  Hopefully, this will catalyze meaningful conversation and policies from those in a position to address this issue head-on.

     As this blog began with Elmo, it is only fair that he has the final word.  After the response to Elmo's tweet became big news, he was on NBC's Today Show.  Amplifying his original message of empathy and urging people to check in on their friends, he said

"It's important to remember that we all have feelings and that's OK.  It's good to know what feeling you're having, and if you're feeling sad or worried or confused, then you have to talk to someone that you love and trust, and it's good

to talk about it."

 Excellent Advice!

Back To School With Confidence: Tips For Reducing Your Child’s Anxiety

Farewell To Summer

          As the calendar has turned from August to September, the back-to-school ritual has begun for millions of schoolchildren nationwide. While many may feel a sense of regret that the warm summer days are beginning to dwindle and getting noticeably shorter, other students may experience a sense of anticipation and even excitement about the onset of the new school year.

Not all young people happily anticipate the start of school. Many may experience anger about having to give up the freedom of summer, anticipating having to engage in school routines and managing the workload.

However, a group of students has a different emotional experience anticipating the onset of school beginning.

          Recent data from the Child Mind Institute reveal that approximately 30% of children and adolescents are impacted by anxiety. Regrettably, 80% do not receive help. While it is difficult to pinpoint what percentage of students are triggered to experience anxiety by the onset of the school year, the uncertainty surrounding it can be a catalyst for feeling overwhelmed by anxiety.

How To Tell If Your Child Is Anxious About School Starting

          For preschoolers, being tearful before going to preschool or daycare, being excessively clingy to you, or witnessing a regression in previously mastered behaviors, such as having bathroom accidents even though toilet training has been mastered, can indicate fear of going to school if these occur around the time school begins.

          School-age children may flat-out resist going to school, act increasingly contrary, or begin to complain of somatic issues such as headaches or stomachaches, which can suggest stress reactions about going to school.

          School refusal can be prominent for teens, as seen in their wanting to retreat to their rooms and engage in solitary activities. Also, an increase in your teenager expressing irritation or being sullen or moody can all be indicators of anxiety about going to school

School Can Be A Trigger

          There are many reasons why the resumption of school in the Fall can be anxiety-provoking for students. These can include concerns over fitting in with peers, establishing their identity and independence, possible concerns over their academic performance, and trying to find a balance between what their parents, teachers, and even peers may expect from them.

          Also, the time between the end of summer vacation and the resumption of school is a transition, which can elicit stress and fear in many.

Prepare Early And Communicate With Your Child

          With the return of the school year upon us, here are some strategies for parents to consider to help make their child’s start to the school year as stress-free as possible.

          To help your child ease into the new school year, it is wise to address it before their return to school.

          For instance, start reintroducing a back-to-school routine about one to two weeks before starting school. Specifically, this would include introducing consistent bedtimes, wake-up times, and meal schedules. This can give your child plenty of time to adjust their routine and mentally prepare for the changes when school resumes.

          If possible, it can be a good idea to bring your child to their school before classes resume. Having an opportunity to walk around the building, find their classroom, and possibly meet their teacher can be very reassuring. This may be especially so for students transitioning to a new school building.

          Another idea is to arrange playdates with classmates or friends your child has not seen over the summer. Reconnecting with peers can help reduce social worries.

          Involve your child in preparing to go back to school. Specifically, have them pick out their school supplies, pack their schoolbag or backpack, and choose their first-day outfit. Having your child do these things can give them a sense of control and increase their confidence.

          Create a countdown calendar with your child. Having a visual countdown can help your child mentally prepare for the start of school. Take it further by taking off the days and discussing what they can look forward to each day.

          Parents need to remain calm and positive themselves. Kids are very aware of their parent’s emotions. Having control over your emotions regarding school resumption can help your child feel more secure. Parents must engage in self-care to help maintain their mental equilibrium.

          Teaching your child relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or visualization can help them control their anxiety as soon as they begin to experience it.

          If possible, try to get a class list. Knowing who will be in their class can help your child focus on the children they know, get along with, and strategize how to deal with kids they may have had issues with previously.

          If your child worries much about getting to know the other students in their class, you can practice conversing with other children. How to initiate a conversation can be particularly difficult for children with anxiety. Role-play this situation with your child, allowing them to practice greeting new and familiar faces while offering feedback and suggestions.

          If your child has an individual education plan (IEP), a Section 504 plan, or some other type of classroom support, ensure they understand how these work. For instance, let your child know if they can have more time on assignments or take a test in a location with minimal distractions or other accommodations. This can help them advocate for themselves if necessary.

          Make sure your child knows who his guidance counselor or other school mental health support is so they can seek them out if necessary.

          Maintain open communication with your child, allowing them to express their emotions about the new school year. Listen to what your child is saying, and do not dismiss it. Validate their feelings even if you disagree with them. It can be helpful to reassure them that it is not unusual to feel uncertain about the upcoming school year and that they are most likely not alone in their feelings.

          Most importantly, offering your child a space to talk is essential to have them feel they are being heard and that you are accepting of them.

A Final Word

          Adjusting to changes in our lifestyles can be very challenging. Acknowledging this to your child can help them feel their reactions are common and feel more confident they can overcome their trepidation. Indeed, how you support your child as they return to school can serve as a template for how they will manage other events that may make them anxious.

          View this situation as an opportunity to give your child the gift of confidence to face new challenges with a calm heart and open mind!

“You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So ... get on your way!” — Dr. Seuss, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!”

Tuned In: How Music Shapes Our Minds.

A Startling Impact

          For nearly the last year of her life, my mother resided in a facility for those who suffered from significant memory deficits. When I visited her, the residents would sleep, wander aimlessly, stare into space, or look down at the floor. Even during activities such as playing games, many would appear to be in a daze, with very few being able to participate fully.

          One day, as I entered the facility, I saw a band performing vintage rock and roll hits. I was astounded to see the residents dancing and singing highly animatedly. Many seated sang along, and I noted that no one was sleeping. It was amazing to see people who had been consistently lethargic and acting in a daze acting vibrantly.

          My mother was among the residents signing along. I had never seen her sing so excitedly before.

          Unfortunately, after the concert ended, the excitement faded away. The residents became immobile, returning to their sleep states and appearing as if they were in a stupor. As was usually the case, no one was interacting with each other.

          The difference with and without music was like night and day!

What Music Can Do For Us

          I know from experience that when I hear a song I like and allow myself to get lost in the music and sing along, my mood elevates. When I write, I often like to have music playing on my Alexa as it helps keep me alert and motivated.

          Music can be a compelling force. How many of us have been at a concert, and when a well-known song is performed, the audience erupts in applause and sings along.

          Something about music indeed resonates with us on a visceral level.

          A recent study, as reported by Harvard Medical School, had some fascinating findings on the impact of music.

The Brain’s Response to Music

          Music activates various brain regions, profoundly impacting brain function. Music activates our auditory cortex, allowing us to hear music, but that is just the start.

          Music also activates the regions of the brain that allow us to process and experience emotion. Upbeat music impacts our brains differently than sad music. Music also activates the motor regions of our brains, as seen when we unknowingly tap our feet or move our heads or arms in time to a song.

          Since music can activate different brain regions, it can strengthen neural pathways and networks, including those involved in various functions, such as learning, quality of life, cognitive functioning, and even happiness.

          Current research shows how music may impact child language, attention, cognition, and social-emotional development. Studies confirm that children who study music have stronger memory skills and the ability to tolerate frustration better as they have to work diligently to learn the musical pieces.

          Those children who study music have greater neural connectivity of the corpus callosum, the structure that connects the right and left hemispheres of the brain. Also, the brain structures related to processing language and auditory data are more developed.

          Music can also contribute to the brain releasing a hormone, oxytocin, which helps create stronger social bonds with others by fostering feelings of trust. Related to this is the finding that music activates the brain area, which helps us understand what others are thinking and feeling and creates states of empathy toward others.

          A fascinating effect of music is that research shows it can help engender creative thinking. In one study, people who listened to music were more creative in their problem-solving skills than those who did not. This was particularly true for those who listened to upbeat, happy music.

          There is some evidence that listening to music can actually reduce pain. Patients who experienced pain were presented with music, while another group did not have music. Those in the first group had significantly less pain. Possible explanations may be that music can reduce stress and stimulate the release of dopamine, a hormone that elevates mood.

Music And Mental Illness

          Research on the impact of music on treating mental illness is very promising. A survey of over three thousand adults reported that listening to music had a significant impact on lowering their levels of depression and anxiety. Another study demonstrated that Alzheimer’s patients who sing regularly can have improved verbal fluency and memory skills.

          Another study demonstrated that for senior citizens, singing in a group reduced feelings of loneliness and had greater interest in life activities. Research is ongoing on how people with schizophrenia who write and perform music can help improve their social interactions.

          Evidence also exists that people recovering from physical illness or invasive surgery can have their recovery hastened as well as have their mental health improved by listening to music daily.

Music Enhances Everyday Life

          A recent survey of adults aged eighteen and older on how music impacts their lives revealed the following.

·        One-third of adults ages 18 and older spend half their time or more listening to background music while doing everyday activities.

·        Music listeners had higher scores for mental well-being and slightly reduced levels of anxiety and depression compared to people overall.

·        Of survey respondents who currently attend musical performances, 69% rated their brain health as “excellent” or “very good,” compared to 58% for those who went in the past and 52% for those who never attended.

·        Of those who reported often being exposed to music as a child, 68% rated their ability to learn new things as “excellent” or “very good,” compared to 50% of those not exposed to music.

·        Active musical engagement for those over age 50 was associated with higher rates of happiness and good cognitive function.

·        Adults with no early music exposure but who currently engage in some music appreciation show above-average mental well-being scores.

A Final Word

          I will never forget a fourth grader in a school I worked in who had significant expressive language problems. He was unable to form sentences of an age-appropriate length. One day, while sitting next to him in his class, a rap song was playing, and he spontaneously began singing in perfect timing to the song’s long and fluent sentences. His teacher and I were amazed!

 His teacher soon began to incorporate music into his language lessons, and a vast improvement was seen in his verbal productivity.

          Given the evidence of how music impacts humans, the words of the musician Bono sum it up best,

“Music can change the world because it can change people.”

If You Ask, “How Are You?” He Prepared For The Answer

Asking how somebody is feeling is a universal greeting. It is asked countless times daily. The interesting thing about this question is that it does not always get honest answers. People quickly say ‘fine’ or ‘OK’ even when they are not. The response depends on their relationship, the context of the conversation, and cultural norms.

          Imagine if people actually answered this question thoroughly and in great detail instead of giving a quick response. It would prolong conversations for extended periods, and we would overshare personal information with strangers such as cashiers, coworkers, and acquaintances.

          Sometimes, we may get more than expected when we ask how others are doing.

Elmo Got An Earful

          In January 2024, the popular Sesame Street character, Elmo, posted on X, formally known as Twitter, “Elmo is just checking in. How is everyone doing?’ Elmo’s tweet on X alone racked up 200 million views and tens of thousands of responses.

          Ready or not, Elmo found out, and many answers were not good. At all.

          CNN concluded, “The responses to Elmo’s innocuous question should be etched into stone so future generations can know exactly how we felt in 2024.”

          While many responses were positive or neutral, many were dark and downright scary replies. Some sample responses included:

“Every morning, I cannot wait to go back to sleep. Every Monday, I cannot wait for Friday to come. Every single day and every single week for life”’

“Honestly, Elmo, I need a hug.”

“I shouldn’t have rushed wanting to be an adult. I need a break, big guy.”

“Elmo, I’m depressed and broke.”

“I’m at my lowest. Thanks for asking.’’

“Elmo, I’ve got to level with you, baby. We are fighting for our lives.’

Actress Rachel Zegler wrote, “Resisting the urge to tell Elmo that I am kinda sad.”

Singer, rapper, and producer T-Pain posted, “I’m just looking for somebody to talk to and show me some love if you know what I mean.”

In many other replies, followers described feeling lonely, having a sense of “existential dread,” and feeling like they are just “hanging on.” People shared relationship problems, a sense of general angst, feeling unsure how to repair things, and feeling disconnected from others. This was described as ‘trauma dumping.’

          In response to this outpouring of unhappiness, a few days later, Elmo tweeted, “Wow! Elmo is glad he asked! Elmo learned that it is important to ask a friend how they are doing. Elmo will check in again soon, friends! Elmo loves you.”

In many cases, those who commented on these negative tweets shared positive messages and practical advice, encouraging people struggling to keep sharing and working to improve things. They are words we all need to say and messages we need to hear. In one short message, Elmo reminded us to make time for each other and listen.

          Even President Biden responded to Elmo’s second post by tweeting, “I know how hard it is some days to sweep the clouds away and get to sunnier days. Our friend Elmo is right: We have to be there for each other, offer our help to a neighbor in need, and, above all else, ask for help when we need it. Even though it is hard, you are never alone.”

A Tsunami Of Unhappiness

          Elmo’s well-meaning tweet to check in with his fans unleashed a plethora of comments marked by sadness and hopelessness. The question asked is, “why

          In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murphy, issued an advisory on what he called an “epidemic of loneliness and isolation” in the U.S. In recent years, 50% of adults reported feeling lonely and disconnected, and this was before the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic.

          Among the findings cited are;

·         People who reported using social media for more than two hours a day had about double the odds of reporting increased perceptions of social isolation compared to those who used social media for less than 30 minutes daily.

·         Data across 148 studies, with an average of 7.5 years of follow-up, suggest that social connection increases the odds of survival by 50%. If you have friends, you live longer.

·        The effects of isolation and loneliness on mortality are comparable and can be more significant than other risk factors, including smoking, alcohol consumption, physical inactivity, high blood pressure, body mass index, cholesterol levels, air pollution, and clinical interventions (e.g., flu vaccine, high blood pressure medication, rehabilitation).

·        Lacking social connection is as dangerous as smoking up to 15 cigarettes per day, drinking six alcoholic beverages per day, a lack of physical activity, obesity, and air pollution.

·        The loneliness rate among young adults increased every year between 1976 and 2019.

Rates of anxiety and depression have skyrocketed, especially among young people. The CDC reports that 20% of young people between the ages of 3-17 have a diagnosable mental health condition.

Taking Elmo’s Advice

          Elmo gave excellent advice when he tweeted that we must ask for help when necessary. This does not necessarily mean accessing mental health resources, but start by talking to a friend if you can.

          After Elmo’s initial post, an interesting thing happened. Many began posting that they were thankful for Elmo, illustrating the value of connection to others and being emotionally available when our friends need it.

          For some, having a sit-down conversation on emotionally loaded topics can be daunting. Try to have a secondary activity, such as cooking together or playing a game simultaneously. This may help the burdened party pace themselves in how much they want to reveal.

Also, listen to others if they seek support from us. Do not focus on your concerns while trying to fully tune into the other person.

If you are the one in need of support, be brave. Getting your nerve up to reach out and share is often the most challenging part of the process. If the roles were reversed and a friend came to you for support, you would not want them to be scared. Imagine your friend or partner feeling the same way about you as you share.

After the initial deluge of negativity, the official Sesame Street Twitter Account tweeted, “Mental Health is health,” along with a link for resources for people to access, including activities that parents could do with their kids to encourage them to talk about their emotions. Hopefully, this could ignite a more open dialogue about mental health.

After Elmo posted his second tweet advising people to talk to each other, the rapper T Pain posted a follow-up tweet: “That is love, pull up any time, bro. Check on your people, brother.”

Good advice, indeed!

In Celebration Of Teachers

Teacher Appreciation Week – The Back Story

          May is known for several things, such as the arrival of spring in the Northern Hemisphere, Mother’s Day celebrations, Memorial Day, and Cinco De Mayo. Another milestone this month is Teacher Appreciation Week, which begins on the first Monday of May.

The story begins in 1944 when a teacher from Arkansas, Mattye White Woodridge, wrote to politicians and educational professionals proposing a day set aside to appreciate teachers. When her letters reached the First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt, Roosevelt lobbied members of Congress to make this a national celebration.

However, this was not met with universal acceptance in Congress, and until 1983, the occasion was celebrated on a state level. However, in 1984, the first National Teacher Appreciation Day was officially celebrated and subsequently extended to a week.

According to the National Education Association, the celebration focuses on “a day (and then a week) for honoring teachers and recognizing the lasting contributions they make to our lives.”

Anecdotal Evidence Of Teachers Impacting Students

I worked as a school psychologist for thirty years, observing how teachers can touch their students’ minds, hearts, and souls. Educators indeed wear so many hats, with actual instructional time being just a portion of their vital role. Teachers are also motivators, therapists, surrogate parents, coaches, nurses, and event planners, to name just a few.

The following memory illustrates the power of the teacher-student relationship:

“It was in the first grade that I initially encountered my problems with reading. I didn’t learn to read as quickly as other kids. I was lucky. I had a first-grade teacher who knew there was more to little girls and boys who were slow readers and better ways to help them by shaming them or punishing them.

My teacher was very kind… when it was my turn to read aloud, she would take a seat next to me and put her arm around me. Her arm took away any embarrassment I might have felt as I stammered and stumbled over the words.

Her kind nature and soft arm took out the damaging disabilities of fear, shame, and believing that something was wrong with me.

Had I had a different first-grade teacher, I likely would have acquired the toxic disabilities of shame, fear, and selling myself short. I will always be grateful to her for giving me such an excellent start.”

This wonderful story is recalled by Dr. Ned Hallowell, a child psychiatrist and one of the world’s leading authorities on ADHD. What I love about it is how it so wonderfully encapsulates how affirming and life-changing a child’s relationship with a teacher can be. This teacher intuitively knew that the relationship she would forge with this boy could transform his life, and it indeed did.

 I also had trouble learning to read, and my first-grade teacher was able to help transform me into becoming a voracious reader. Remarkably, years later, I ran into her at a library of all places, and we recognized each other. I thanked her for helping instill in me a lifelong love of reading and how she helped to push away my self-doubts and desire to avoid reading.

Empirical Evidence of Teachers Impacting Students

It is not just anecdotal evidence that can be cited on teachers’ crucial role in their students’ lives; empirical research has also produced data demonstrating this. Middle school students who were part of a twenty-year longitudinal study and reported having positive relationships with their teachers had more robust mental and physical health in their twenties.

  In another study, high school students who reported having positive relationships with teachers did better academically and socially. In fact, these students reported that when they felt their teachers cared about them and were invested in their success, it produced a greater desire to stay in school and plan to go to college.

The data is robust. Shy students who reported good relationships with their teachers had fewer interpersonal difficulties in school and higher grades.

Becoming A Charismatic Adult

Dr. Jules Segal was a psychologist who wrote about the power of the teacher-student relationship. He described teachers as ‘charismatic adults’ or adults from whom a child can gather strength and identify. He described three characteristics teachers can have that make them serve this role for students.

The first is to accentuate the positive. Focus on what a child does well and emphasize these rather than their weaknesses. Concentrating on students’ assets rather than identifying their deficits reinforces their capabilities.

The second emphasizes effort rather than outcome, even if a child does not succeed. If kids feel their efforts are not worthwhile, they will give up. Teachers can help students see defeats as temporary bumps on the road.

Third is to keep in mind that kids and adults are wired differently. Kids’ personalities vary considerably in areas such as activity level, introversion, extraversion, ability to adapt to novel situations, and self-control. Help students feel that you appreciate their individuality.

Communicating this to a student is very powerful as it conveys that you recognize and try to tune in to their needs and take an interest in them. Research shows that kids who had suffered abuse, trauma, or even significant mental illness and flourished later in life have one thing in common – the presence of an adult the child felt cared about them.

The ability to connect in a meaningful way with a child is indeed the secret sauce for student success. In my time in the school system, I observed that it was the teacher who did not feel they had to choose between meeting a student’s social/emotional needs and meeting academic goals. Being able to work towards integrating them led to more success.

A Final Word

Reflecting on how teachers have impacted society is worthwhile as we celebrate Teacher Appreciation Week. Think about it. If not for the efforts of our teachers, everyone reading this would have had very different lives. We all owe them a great debt of gratitude.

Not only achieving academic success but feeling as if their teacher truly cares about them fills students with hope and an understanding that they can derive satisfaction and nurturance beyond their homes, allowing them to trust the world.

To quote Dr. Segal, “small wonder that teachers often provide the magical bond that allows many children to turn their lives from certain defeat to glorious victory.”

The World Happiness Report Is Nothing To Smile About For The United States

We all have had the experience of having to fill out surveys assessing our reactions to various products and experiences. Very often, when I get into my car after shopping at a local store, I get an email or text message asking me to rate my shopping experience.

This is not only limited to the business world. Surveys have long been an essential part of academic research. It has proven to be a very effective way to collect data, which can shed information on various topics.

One such survey, the World Happiness Report, which began in 2012, is administered annually to a random sample of the population of different nations. The annual survey is a partnership between the United Nations, the Gallup organization, and other entities.

The report aims to review the state of happiness worldwide and obtain information on how public policy can improve happiness. People rate their happiness levels and assess their reactions to events around them.

And The Winner (And Loser) Is…

For the seventh year in a row, Finland has earned the distinction of being rated the happiest place to live. This is an incredible accomplishment. The following are some of the reasons for this.

* Finland invests 20% of its gross domestic product in social protection programs, such as pensions, health care costs, unemployment insurance, and other social services.

·  Finland has a gender-equal society. Nearly half of the country’s governing body is comprised of women. Finland was one of the world’s first countries to give women the right to vote in 1906.

·  Finland is extremely family-friendly as it has one of the most generous parental leave allowances in the world—40 working days of allowance for mothers during pregnancy, as well as 160 days of parental leave for those who are guardians to a child, regardless of whether adults are biological or adoptive parents.

·  Finland invests a large amount of money in per-pupil expenditures. Additionally, schooling in the country is free from preschool through college.

All of this is in a country where winter lasts up to 200 days, including weeks when the sun does not rise.

          For the sixth year in a row, the saddest country in the world is Afghanistan. The reasons why include:

* Afghanistan has high levels of poverty

* High Levels of unemployment

* Government instability

Meanwhile, Happiness  In The United States Is Taking A Hit.

For the first time the United States fell out of being ranked in the top 20 countries in the world from 15 to 23 in the past year. Some reasons for the decline are increased feelings of loneliness, how the economy impacts segments of the population, the divisive political climate, and the long-term impact of the COVID-19 pandemic.

However, the biggest reason for the drop in happiness levels in the United States has been a discrepancy between how people above age 30 rate themselves compared to people below that age. The U.S. was tenth in the world in happiness among those 60 and older, but for those under 30, we are ranked 62.

          This contrasts with most of the world, where young people are happier than the old. Instead of experiencing laughter, enjoyment, and fun daily, youth in the U.S. feel more frequently worried, sad, and angry (this is also happening in Canada, Australia, and New Zealand)

          Jan-Emmanuel De Neve of the University of Oxford, who contributed to the report, stated

“In North America, and the U.S. in particular, youth now start lower than the adults in terms of well-being…and that’s very disconcerting because essentially it means that they’re at the level of their midlife crisis today and obviously begs the question of what’s next for them?”

The discrepancy between generations in assessing their level of happiness is striking. The World Happiness Report is not the only source highlighting this; if we have been paying attention, there have been plenty of indicators of the psychological well-being of young people under siege.

Some disturbing statistics are:

·       Teens are more than twice as likely as adults (19.5% to 8.8%) to report an episode of major depression in the last year. Fourteen years ago, both groups were nearly equal.

·       The percentage of high school girls who seriously considered suicide jumped from 19% in 2011 to 30% in 2021. for children aged 10 to 14, the actual suicide rate tripled between 2007 and 2021.

·       Also, the level of depression and anxiety in teenagers has spiked more than 50% between 2010 and 2020.

·       The CDC reports that 20% of young people between the ages of three and 17 have a diagnosed mental health condition.

·       In the last four years, the number of prescriptions written for children and teenagers for anti-anxiety medication, anti-depressants, and ADHD medication has gone up 64%.

The numbers do not lie.

Two Factors To Consider

All of the information is a wake-up call if we are going to do something to salvage the mental health of our youth. Two variables that have played a role in it are growing up during the phase of an acute pandemic. The opportunities for socialization, the failure to grow academically and, as a result, falling behind, and the overall level of anxiety living during that time Took a massive toll on all of us, including kids.

The other factor focused on in greater detail is social media. The American Psychological Association reports that 41% of teens with the highest social media use rate their overall mental health as poor or very poor compared with 23% of those with the lowest use.

Additionally, 10% of the highest-user group expressed suicidal intent or self-harm in the past year compared to 5% of the lowest-use group. Further, 17% of the highest users express poor body image compared with 6% of the lowest users.

The average number of hours U.S. teens spend using social media apps is 4.8%. YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram account for 87% of their social media time.

Sixty percent of the highest frequency social media users who report low parental monitoring and weak parental relationships rate their mental health as being poor or very poor, compared with 25% of the highest frequency users who report high parental monitoring and parental relationships.

In addition, 22% of the highest users with poor parental relationship monitoring Express suicidal or self-harm thoughts compared with 2% of high users with strong parental relationships and monitoring.

Statistics show that 81% of kids and teens think that it is easier to get away with bullying online than in person, while 43% of kids have been bullied online.

Signs Of Unhealthy Social Media Use

The American Psychological Association lists warning signs of inappropriate use of social media in young people.

•        School and social functioning and extracurricular relationships are interfered with.

•        Choosing social media over real-world interactions.

•        Social media prevents getting at least 8 hours of sleep.

•        Neglecting involvement in physical activity.

•        They cannot, despite saying they want to reduce or stop using social media.

•        Exhibiting strong cravings to use social media.

•        Lying or using deceptive behavior to go online.

Consider your child’s behavior to see if it coincides with these indicators. If so, consider implementing new limits for their use of social media. If you are unable to do this or feel that your child’s behavior is escalating, it may be time to consider contacting a mental health professional.

Setting Limits

It is clear from the data that one of the ways to protect young people from this trend is for parents to monitor their offspring’s use of social media significantly. Parents do not have to be afraid to take control of their kid’s social media usage, as children and teens need structure and boundaries.

A big reason is that when young brains are engrossed in emotionally stimulating online material, their capacity for judgment and accurate information processing is compromised. The more primitive parts of their brain that lead to impulsivity and poor decision-making are activated. This is why young people take hazardous TikTok challenges.

For this reason, parents need to limit their child’s exposure to social media sites that use likes and dislikes. This feature can promote excessive scrolling and impact a child or teen’s self-esteem. I have met many teens who are genuinely upset by a low number of likes to a post or receiving several dislikes.

Children’s devices often come with parental control features that limit site exposure. These must be used, especially when children go to bed late and get inadequate sleep (at least 8 – 10 hours).

Limit the use of social media to when your teen or child is home with you so you can keep an eye on it. Unsupervised social media use places kids at greater risk. Also, show your child that much social media information may be inaccurate.

Serve as a healthy role model for your child’s social media use. Young people watch how you behave. Limiting your child’s use while being lax in how you use social media will send a mixed message to your child. Avoid using social media at the dinner table or during family time. Set limits for yourselves so children can emulate them.

Talking to your offspring about using social media is not a one-and-done conversation. Have ongoing talks with them about their usage. Explore in a nonjudgemental way what they are watching, their understanding of it, and how they might respond to hypothetical high-risk situations that may arise while they are online.

A Final Word

Social media has constructive uses. It can be used to form relationships, reconnect with old friends, learn valuable information, and support those in the community. Kids want to connect with others, which is a good thing.

However, as psychologist Angela Patterson notes,

“To make social media a place for positive outcomes, what matters most is what’s happening outside it. Social and digital spaces can’t be the only place where life, and the connection that comes with it, is happening. To ensure this technology serves as a conduit for well-being, one of the most impactful things we can do as adults is to ensure young people use it as one of many avenues for connection rather than seeking it out as the primary way to manufacture it.

Whether sheets of folded notebook paper or a series of direct message (D.M.) threads, young people will use what’s available to them to create meaningful connections. As adults, we must help set the conditions so social media remains a tool and doesn’t become a crutch.”

The Large Power Of Small Moments

“Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.” – Brené Brown, educator and author.

          Several years ago, while working as a school psychologist, I was asked to be part of an interview committee to fill a position within the special education department.  I had never been part of an interview committee before and thought it would be an interesting experience, so I readily agreed to join.

          After accepting, I began considering the candidates participating in the interview process.  I thought they would probably be somewhat nervous, eager to make a good impression, and wanting to avoid making any mistakes.

          The committee members met with several interviewees.  At one point, I was asked to go to the waiting area to greet the next candidate.  As we walked to the interview, we made small talk.  Just before we entered the room, I said, ‘You are amongst friends.  Good luck.’ The interviewee smiled and entertained the room.

           I am unsure why I commented, as the applicant did not look especially stressed.  The interview went off extremely well, and this person got the job, as it turned out.

          We happened to be speaking a few years later and recalled the interview.  This person said, “I have never forgotten your comment to me before we went inside.  I was really stressed, and I was trying to hide it.  When you said that, it just calmed me down.  It just changed my entire mindset about going into that interview.  Thank you for doing that.’

          We had never discussed this before, and I was delighted that I could be supportive at that time.  However, it also got me thinking about how small gestures, such as saying a throwaway line, can significantly impact someone.

Building Bridges: The Power Of Tiny Acts Of Encouragement In The Workplace

          Several years after this interaction, I began to hear about the value of micro-affirmations or micro-moments and the empirical evidence to support them.  The Social And Health Research Center defines a micro-affirmation as

“Subtle acknowledgments of a person’s value that while they may seem small, make a big difference in how we feel.  These can take the form of words, gestures, or actions and, even though small, speak volumes.”

This concept of small actions having a considerable impact is something for all of us to consider in our dealings with others.

          This topic has been studied in the workplace.  It has been established that employers that emphasize microaffirmation in their dealings with staff produce greater employee engagement and confidence, promote optimism within a work culture, and produce greater job satisfaction, stronger employee relationships, and greater employee productivity.

          Microaffirmations include recognizing the achievements of others, giving credit where credit is due, making eye contact when others are talking to you, and practicing active listening, which can include smiling, nodding, and leaning forward when someone is talking.  These can be valuable ways to improve morale and create a more inclusive company culture and a more successful business.

Microaffirmations in Schools

          Appreciating the value of these small but potent acts in the workplace, it would seem like a natural leap to see how microaffirmations can impact the school environment.  It has indeed been studied.

          In addition to anecdotal evidence, research has been done on a strategy known as PGD or Positive Greetings at the Door.  A PGD ritual can be done each morning with no preparation.  It simply involves greeting each student individually as they walk through the Door to the classroom at the start of the day.  It can include an elbow bump or high five.  Some teachers even give brief hugs.

          In addition, while greeting the student, the teacher can briefly comment or ask if the student wants to share something.  For some students, just a nonverbal greeting will be sufficient, but others may want to respond to the teacher’s verbal greeting or want to volunteer something.

          Some teachers may prefer to have students seated and then go around the classroom to greet each student individually.  In this scenario, students can be assigned a quiet independent activity, such as a short writing assignment, while the teacher makes their way around the classroom engaging with students.

          A variation of this method is using students as co-greeters.  Students can be trained to greet each day appropriately, and a student and teacher can greet entering students together.  To get more students involved, they can be rotated as a co-greeter every week.

          I recall one teacher I worked with who taught fifth grade.  Many students in the class were fans of the Mets baseball team.  As the teacher knew which students were particularly interested in the team, she asked them about the game the previous day or shared some tidbits about the team each morning.  The kids responded enthusiastically to her, setting an excellent tone for the day.

          If we stop to think about it, many examples of microffirmations in our lives could be recalled.  I recall wanting to attend a sold-out concert and having no luck finding an affordable ticket.  A friend called out of the blue to offer me an extra ticket he had as he knew how much I wanted to attend and he decided to make it a present for me.  I have never forgotten this gesture.

Research Supporting Microaffirmations.

          The impact of the PGD strategy has been studied empirically.  The results are consistent that morning greetings to students improve student engagement in learning tasks and classroom behavior, particularly for those frequently presenting management issues.

          In one study, a group of middle school teachers were randomly assigned to either the PGD group or a group that did not engage in this ritual.  The results clearly showed that the first group of students had greater academic success and behaved better than the group that did not receive the PGD.

          Another finding is that teachers who offered the PGD felt their teaching skills had improved, perhaps because the students were more receptive to learning and were enthusiastic about using this method.

          Engaging in a morning greeting ritual with students, such as a PGD, can go a long way to solidifying the teacher-student relationship.  This is a critical variable in getting students more willing to learn.  Opportunities to engage in relationship-enhancing exercises with students must be incorporated into teachers’ daily routines.

A Final Word

          As in the business world, micro affirmations are potent tools for fostering positive connections between teachers and students.  Practicing microaffirmations in schools can enhance academic performance and nurture a culture of belonging, empathy, and mutual respect, ultimately enriching the educational journey.     

“It’s the little conversations that build the relationships that make a big impact on each student.’

Robert John Meehan, Author & Educator

Strategies For Sustaining New Year’s Resolutions

Here we are at the start of another year.  It is not uncommon to make resolutions or promises to ourselves to do things that enhance the quality of our lives, such as exercising, eating healthy, and not engaging in various self-defeating behaviors. 

          Studies report that approximately 40% of people make New Year’s resolutions, with only 16% keeping all the resolutions they make.  Another 44% partially keep some of their resolutions. 

A Brief History 

          The concept of New Year’s resolutions dates back to ancient times starting with the Babylonians over 4,000 years ago. The Babylonians would make vows at the start of the New Year’s to right past transgressions, repay their debts, and return things they borrowed. They also promised continued loyalty to their king. This was the forerunner of making New Year’s’s resolutions.  

          This practice was later adopted by the Romans and eventually incorporated into Christianity in the 18th century. Eventually, resolutions went beyond being religious and became a mostly secular practice. 

A Fresh Start  

Identified by psychologists as the “Fresh Start” effect, this is a point in time, such as the beginning of the year, a holiday, a birthday, or even the start of a new month, that fosters a feeling of a new beginning with an increased likelihood that people will want to make a positive change in their lives.  

          While January 1st may feel like a fresh start to many, the challenge is how to perpetuate that feeling beyond that moment in time into the days, weeks and months that follow One reason why people give up is that they may be hard on themselves. Instead of accepting even incremental success, people tend to be unduly harsh in evaluating their behavior.  

Tips To Increase The Likelihood Of Success In Keeping Resolutions 

•      Devise a clear-cut plan to meet your goal. Setting a goal without considering all the steps involved in achieving it is not helpful. For instance, if your goal is to stop eating meat, it is not enough to declare that you  will be a vegetarian in the New Year’s. Research what a vegetarian diet looks like and google some recipes and learn how to prepare them. Anticipate some of the obstacles or pitfalls you might experience along the way to achieving your goal and have in mind tools to overcome them when they occur.   

•      Choose a goal that can be fun to achieve. A method known as “temptation building” can make keeping resolutions fun. For instance, if you resolve to exercise more, link it with an activity you enjoy, such as listening to a favorite podcast or watching a TV show. This is the thinking behind Peloton, allowing bide riders to watch various channels on the screen while riding.   

So, if you want to eat healthily, take a cooking class or meet a friend to prepare a healthy recipe. 

•      Consider removing some activities you already have in your life. Think about how committed you are to things you are already doing, and if you are not feeling too attached to them, remove them from your life, giving you more time and opportunity to meet your new goals.    

•      Be Forgiving.  If you lose only a pound after altering your diet, you may be tempted to give up rather than focus on how you have been working to change your behavior and have at least something small to show for it. Consider acknowledging your hard work and celebrate the small successes along the way.  

Instead, view this experience as a process and celebrate small successes. It is a given that setting goals will inevitably involve failure. Practicing selfcompassion is critical to help get through the process.   

•      Evaluate Progress: One way to stay motivated is to track your progress. Having objective data on your successes and a context to evaluate your setbacks will help you stay on track.    

•      Focus on one change at a time. Please do not overwhelm yourself by selecting multiple behaviors to address by prioritizing what you want to address. It will keep you from feeling overpowered or beaten.    

•      Reach out for support. You do not have to undertake keeping resolutions as a solitary pursuit. Open up and share your new goals with close friends. Encouraging them with their goals will help you be accountable and increase the likelihood of sticking with the resolution when it gets a little tough.  

•      Celebrate Milestones. Take stock to acknowledge your successes along the way and give yourself a reward that does not have anything to do with your goal For instance, don’t treat yourself to a candy bar if your goal is to lose weight.   

•      Use visual reminders. Use visual cues to keep your resolutions on the top of your mind. Thus, if you are trying to manage your weight more effectively, keep a picture of yourself or someone else at the weight you desire handy as motivation.  

•      Goals do not have to be written in stone. If necessary, you can modify them and take a more incremental approach. I once worked with someone who wanted to get into better shape and decided he would start running two miles a day. It was soon clear to him that this was unrealistic, and he scaled back on his goal to gradually build up to the outcome he wanted. 

  •      Educate yourself. Before committing to a resolution, take the time to research more thoroughly and learn about the changes you want to make. This can help you pick a realistic strategy and improve your motivation and understanding of your goals.   

•      Keep a resolution journal. Write about your successes and setbacks. Write about why you are setting a particular goal at this time. Keep the resolution journal handy to refer to when you are feeling uninspired and unmotivated.  

 •      Do not forget to find the joy in what you are trying to do. Take the time to enjoy and appreciate what you are trying to do rather than focusing solely on the result.    

A Final Word 

           While many may not see the value of making New Year’s resolutions, they present an opportunity to look at ourselves, address those areas of our lives that we are not happy with, and attempt to take a positive, optimistic approach to improving your life!

“The magic of a New Year’s lies not in the turning of the calendar but in the transformation of aspirations into achievements.”  

 Maya Angelou, American Poet, and Civil Rights Activist 

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Unwrapping The Truth: Honest Conversations About Santa Claus With Kids

I was having a parent counseling session with the parents of a seven-year-old I see for psychotherapy sessions.  One of the parents volunteered that she was grappling with a problem.  My patient asked her if Santa Claus was real.  The mom felt put on the spot and answered that he was real; however, she felt guilty about not being truthful and wondered if her child would hold it against her.

A Long-Standing Question

The reality of Santa Claus has long been a question that children have asked of adults who are often unsure how to respond.  Two well-known examples of Santa Claus’s validity being questioned come to mind.

          The most famous instance of a child asking if Santa Claus exists occurred when eight-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon of New York City wrote a letter to the editor of the New York Sun newspaper in 1897.  The brief letter said,

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.

Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.

Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN, it’s so.’

Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

          In a thorough response, the editor, Francis P. Church, told Virginia that Santa was real even though no one could see him.  Church added that he was as real as faith and love, urging young Virginia to keep believing.

          In 1947, the immensely popular film Miracle On 34th Street was released to critical acclaim.  In it, a young girl, played by Natalie Wood, suspects that a man hired to portray Santa at Macy’s department store may actually be him.  Due to a series of circumstances, the man is taken to court for a sanity hearing, with his defense being that he is indeed Santa Claus.

Santa Claus – The Backstory

The origins of the Santa Claus story have its roots in a real person, a bishop named St. Nicholas, who was of Greek origin.  St. Nicholas lived from 220 A.D. to 343 A.D. during the time of the Roman Empire.

           St. Nicholas was admired for being exceptionally kind, and many legends have sprung up about him.  One is that he had given away his inherited wealth and spent his time helping the poor and sick.  Another legend is that St. Nicholas saved three poor sisters from being sold into slavery or prostitution by their father by providing them with a dowry so that they could be married.

          Over time, the popularity of St. Nicholas spread, and he eventually became a patron saint to children.  A feast day on December 6th is in his honor, and this has become known as a lucky day to make large purchases or get married.

          St. Nicholas was very popular in the Dutch community.  In 1773 and 1774, large groups of Dutch families who resided in New York gathered to honor him on the anniversary of his death.  This was reported in the newspapers, and the story of St. Nicholas became more well-known in America over time.  The name Santa Claus, a variation of St. Nicholas’s name, Sinter Klass in Dutch, was soon adopted.

          Since then, Santa Claus has become a part of the Christmas season.

What Do Kids Believe About Santa Claus?

          Many children worldwide believe in Santa Claus because their parents and other adults tell them Santa is real.  In addition, a parent often leaves “evidence” that confirms Santa is real and visits their home to deliver gifts.  Food and candy left around the Christmas tree serve to confirm the visit.

          Not only do parents support the story of Santa Claus, but the outside world does too.  Children visit department stores or Christmas tree farms and see Santa Claus around them.

          Believing in Santa Claus is related to a child’s age and level of cognitive development.  Young children believe in Santa and other mythical figures such as the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.  Around seven or eight, children can still engage in magical thinking and have beliefs not based on reality.

          However, children’s cognitive and reasoning abilities are further developing, and by this time, they begin to realize the unrealistic elements of the Santa Claus story.  A survey of 1200 children regarding children’s attitudes toward Santa revealed that kids most fiercely hold onto the belief at age five, and then it begins to wane.  By ages eight to nine, children are doubting the story’s validity.

How To Tell The Kids

          Let your child take the lead on discussing this topic rather than arbitrarily introducing it.  Do not try to prolong this belief if your child seems ready to give it up.  The age at which a child can be told depends on the child.  There is not necessarily a set age.  As children age, their ability to grasp reality will improve, and they will question Santa’s existence independently.

          Perhaps your child will notice that Santa may look or sound different in various settings.  Or perhaps they may ask directly, “Is Santa real”?  These are clues that your child is beginning to put together different observations they have made and are ready to take in additional information.

          If your child asks that direct question, you can turn it around and ask them what they think.  Listen to their response carefully and decide on how you may want to proceed.  Also, think about your feelings about discussing this topic.  Are you ready to change your child’s belief about Santa?  If not, why?  Often, parents are not ready to have this conversation while their kids are.

          Often, kids may find out by accident, such as when a family member slips or they observe their parents putting the presents under the tree.  Alternatively, an older sibling or a friend may share this with them.  At this point, they may approach you to ask for further clarification.  These are good indicators that they are ready to hear the truth from you.

          Children may have different emotional reactions to hearing this news.  Some may take it in stride and point out that they already thought so.  Others may feel angry, betrayed, or sad upon hearing the truth.  Parents must be sympathetic and understanding listeners and point out that Christmas continues despite there being no Santa.  Give your child space and take their lead by giving them time to feel.

          Parents can say that Santa Claus is based on the real-life St. Nicholas, who embodied many wonderful qualities, including making children happy.  Indicate that Santa is a giving figure who does good things for people, just like St. Nicholas, and this is what Christmas is all about.  Enlighten your child about the power of being kind and generous to others, which they and you can do.

          After your child has processed this information, invite them to begin new Christmas traditions, such as helping to prepare the holiday dinner, wrapping presents, delivering gifts to nursing homes, or dropping toys at a shelter for homeless children.  In this way, they become a Santa for others.

Children can learn that Christmas is not just based on one individual but on several people working together.  It reinforces the idea that they can give selflessly to others.  

          It is also reassuring to know that no evidence telling children the truth about Santa Claus will negatively impact your child’s ability to trust you.  Many kids figure it out on their own and may play along with their parents for a while, as they see it brings joy to the family to do so.

A Final Word

          After children can process the truth, they will begin to see that Santa is a concept to express positive human values they can incorporate.

          The following quote by the conductor in the book The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg captures the essence of what Santa is about:

Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.”

How To Talk To Your Kids About The Riot At The Capitol

Watching History Unfold Live 

            On January 6th, the U.S. Capitol was overrun by rioters who temporarily took control of the building. It was a scene that not only was shocking but was also filled with violent images. As it unfolded in real-time, it was broadcast on live television when children were home watching the events occur.   

            Research has confirmed the impact of viewing violent, traumatic events on live television. One study found that some people who watched the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013 on television experienced more acute Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms than those at the event.  

            Following these events,  parents were faced with the problematic situation of answering their children's questions about the day's harrowing events. Children look to their parents to provide understanding and reassurance. However, it was likely that many parents were feeling overwhelmed and frightened about what happened. 

Signs to Look For In Your Child 

            Parents need to be sensitized to any changes in their child's behavior.  Look for changes in your child's appetite and sleep patterns. Is your child becoming too clingy to you?  Have there been mood changes? Are they complaining of physical symptoms? These could be signs that your child may be experiencing substantial anxiety. 

            Complicating your child's response to this event is their limited understanding of the reasons behind what happened. This can be experienced by kids as adults who randomly behaved in an out of control manner. . How does this then impact your child's view of their world? Kids do not have much control of their environment, and viewing adults engage in disorderly behavior heightens their fears.  

Be Aware Of  Your Own Reactions 

            How you handle your own anxiety about what happened is critical. If your child senses that these events have negatively impacted you, it will heighten their own stress level. Before talking to your child, find time to decompress.  Talk to a friend or family member about your feelings and engage in self-care such as yoga, meditation, exercise, or breathing exercises. This will help you remain calm.  

            When talking to your child, you must convey feeling in control of your emotions. Even if you have deep worries about what happened, do not share them with your child. This will only serve to frighten them even more.   Remember, your child is checking out your reactions, so verbal and nonverbal cues will be picked up. 

Let Your Child Speak 

            In helping your child process stressful events, allow them to raise any concerns. If your child has not mentioned the riots, ask them if they heard about what happened. Your job is to be calm, nonjudgmental and inviting. Don't be too quick to limit their need to communicate. Offer information to clear up their misconceptions.  

Less Is More 

            Having a school-age child be flooded with round the clock news is harmful. Very young children will not understand the vast majority of what they are seeing. It sets the stage for them to be easily confused or further overwhelmed. Parents should limit their news watching to preferably when their child is asleep.  

            Kids and teens on social media may be exposed to misinformation and rumors online.  Parents need to closely monitor their child's sites and how long they are on social media. Your child will be better off by talking about what happened than seeing images, which can fuel a desire to emulate what they see. Above all, vet what sites your child (or teen) is viewing. 

Don't Label People As Bad vs. Good 

            Refrain from using negative labels about the rioters.  Instead, refer to their behavior as being wrong.  Using pejorative labels is confusing to children. You don't want your child to think that it makes someone a bad person if they misbehave. It is helpful for children to view the distinction between the two. It is more useful to label what is bad rather than define a person as evil.  

Reassurance is Key 

            Above all, your child needs to feel safe. Despite their viewing violence, tell your child that the situation is over and they are in no danger. Young children can't distinguish between seeing an event on T.V. that happened hours ago and whether or not that event is still occurring. A hug or words of reassurance can go a long way to quell their fear.  

            When stressed, kids and adults will not be able to process information that can help them.  Respond to their immediate concerns before exploring more anxiety-provoking material with your child. When reassuring your child, don't forget to… 

Mention The Helpers 

            "When I was a boy, and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping". – Fred Rogers 

            This quote by the esteemed children's television host Mr. Rogers has a great deal of wisdom. When presented with frightening situations, children need to experience their world as having people they can count on. Knowing the police and other first responders' roles can go a long way to instilling a greater sense of security when confronted with frightening situations.  

Be Straightforward But Up To A Point 

            When talking with your child about what happened, they can tell if you are not being honest. Be direct and calm in your message. Do not minimize what happened. Thus, give a good deal of thought to what you decide to share with them. 

On the other hand, it is not helpful to share too much with young children as they can have trouble understanding and make them more anxious. Don't feel you have to convey a lot of details to a young child. Follow their lead. If they want to know more, allow them to ask questions. Provide concise answers enabling your child to process what you said.  

Label Your Feelings 

            Use this as an opportunity to share your feelings with your child. Don't hesitate to say if you are sad, mad, or worried. Providing a label for your emotions conveys to your child that they can do the same. It also lets them know that it is OK for them to share their own complicated feelings. For young children, this provides a new way for them to express themselves. 

Share Coping Strategies 

            Use this event to demonstrate how your child can self regulate their emotions. Teach them some breathing techniques. A favorite is color breathing. In this exercise, have a child sit still with eyes closed and slowly inhale through their nose. As they briefly hold their breath, have them think of a calm color, and when they slowly exhale via their nose, they imagine they are exhaling that color. 

            Google additional breathing activities,  or even download kid-friendly apps that offer these.  You can also teach your child other relaxation methods such as visualization, yoga, or meditation. These are handy tools that children can utilize if they feel anxious or in a scary situation or even use it anytime.  

Maintain Structure 

            During this time of upheaval, it is more important than ever to maintain your family structure. Keep family routines unchanged such as mealtimes, bedtimes, and keeping your child's school routine and other family activities intact. This can be very reassuring to a child in a world they may think is rapidly changing. This also helps a child feel a sense of control over their environment.

 Practice Gratitude 

            Even in times of upheaval, there can be things that you can still feel grateful for. Express this to your child.  Prepare gratitude lists several times per week of things you and your child sincerely appreciate. Research confirms that practicing gratitude helps release feel-good chemicals in our brains and enhance our mood and immune system.  

Seize The Opportunity 

            Being a parent requires hard conversations with your kids. However, these can be a catalyst to deepen your relationship with them and set the stage for your child to feel comfortable approaching you when other crises occur. Don't be afraid of being that sounding board for your child in these situations. Embrace being a parent in this situation, allowing your child to embrace being a child.  

"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share their calm, not join their chaos." L.R. Knost

Togetherness

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends 

            Most of us are very familiar with this Beatles tune.  The message of the song embodies the importance of interpersonal relationships. The singer asks his companion if he would abandon him in times of trouble (“what would you do if I sang out of key, would you stand up and walk out on me”). He needs to be reassured that his friend will be there for him.           

            The presence or absence of meaningful relationships dramatically impacts our lives. While this makes intuitive sense, this phenomenon is examined from both a clinical and anecdotal perspective in a fascinating new book authored by a former Surgeon General of the United States. 

            Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by Dr. Vivek H. Murphy examines the need for affiliation and obstacles that get in the way of finding it.  Cutting-edge scientific research and anecdotes make for an enlightening and compelling read. 

Loneliness Is A Wide Spread Phenomenon 

            After becoming  Surgeon General, Dr. Murphy began conducting focus groups across the country, asking participants what significant health concerns the government could provide help. While conditions such as obesity, heart disease, and the opioid epidemic were identified, Dr. Murphy was surprised to see that another need was consistently recognized. 

            During his countrywide listening tour, it became clear that a particular topic was identified in Dr. Murphy’s words “wasn’t a frontline complaint.” However, it was closely linked to many of the significant health conditions that respondents closely identified. That variable was loneliness.  

            Loneliness magnified the pain that many of those that were experiencing health-related crises were dealing with. This was true for severe illness or an environmental concern, such as coping with the aftermath of a significant storm, as loneliness exacerbated stress.  Dr. Murphy became intrigued by this phenomenon and set out to study it in detail.  

            In 2020, The prevalence of Americans reporting they are lonely, specifically lacking companionship, and feeling left out was identified as exceeding 60%, increasing over 13% from when the study was conducted in 2018.  

The Biology of Loneliness & Connection 

            Scientific research and anecdotal reports confirm that we are hardwired for connection.  Anthropologists have identified that monkeys have primarily connected millions of years ago, not in pairs but groups. By affiliating with other primates, groups could be effective hunters and enhance their chances for survival. 

Connecting with others is as essential as air and water. Its absence places our lives in jeopardy. Living alone, lacking participation in social groups, having few friends and/or strained relationships, retirement, and physical impairments are all risk factors for premature mortality.  

            Loneliness can lead to long term health problems. Loneliness impacts the hormone cortisol, which is part of the body’s fight or flight response. The stress hormone loneliness can increase cortisol and put you at risk for fatigue, headaches, intestinal problems, elevated blood pressure, a weaker immune system, weight gain, and depressed libido.  

            Amazingly, one study found that a lack of close relationships increased by 50% the risk of premature death from all causes. This impact on the mortality rate is nearly equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and greater than obesity and physical inactivity. Limited social relationships increased the risk of stroke or cardiac difficulties  by approximately 30%

            In contrast, the health benefits of human connection are astounding.  For starters, it reduces stress levels and improves cardiac functioning, strengthens our immune system, and promotes a longer life span.            

The Psychology of Loneliness & Connection 

            Experiencing loneliness can have a significant impact on your mental health. Depression, anxiety, a decline in cognitive skills, problem-solving ability, and sleep difficulties are all associated with loneliness.  One study found that people who were exposed to violence are at risk of experiencing loneliness. 

            In contrast, in a recent study, participants reported more significant energy increases following and interaction with a loved one than a group whose members drank coffee. 

            One way to combat loneliness is by volunteering. When we contribute to enhancing life for others, it induces feelings of competence and purpose. It makes us feel we matter. This is an excellent way for older children and teens to feel more involved with their environment. They can have an opportunity to bond with others with a common interest.  

            Healthy social connection acts as insulation against stress while enhancing resilience. Studies confirm that having relationships helps us weather adversity. Having friends to confide in and support us truly makes a difference in our ability to cope.  

The Pandemic and Connection 

            The pandemic we find ourselves in has exacerbated feelings of loneliness for so many of us. Social distancing and winter (when this is written) have made it very difficult to get together with friends. Many feel isolated and cut off from peers, especially children who are attending school remotely. 

            While not a complete replacement for spending face to face quality time with peers, technology has become an essential means to stay connected. Zoom calls, video games, and social media have replaced quality in-person time for better or worse. Parents must monitor their child’s use of technology more vigilantly during this time.   

            Using technology is not synonymous with social media. Children can join online classes on a variety of topics that align with their interests. There are also educational websites that teach while kids have fun.   Children and teenagers must maintain a sense of purpose in the face of isolation. It is helpful for parents to encourage their children to reach out to others virtually during this time.  

That’s What Friends Are For 

            Friendships are a vital necessity.  A long-term study of college students from Harvard confirms this.  Interpersonal relationships are better predictors of health and overall happiness throughout life than IQ, wealth, or social class. The evidence is overwhelming that students do better in school when they can identify at least one adult they feel cares about them.  

            So take that time to invest emotionally in others.  The returns on that will be far more meaningful than the interest on that six month CD or a late-night online purchase. 

            “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten we belong to each other,”  Mother Teresa.

That’s Awesome

What is Awe?

Have you ever had an indescribable emotional experience?  Perhaps feelings of intense reverence, admiration or even fear may have materialized.  The experience may have impacted you in such a way that it changed you or remained with you for a long time afterwards.

Psychologist Dr. Jonah Paquette, has examined these transcendent experiences in his newly released book, “Awestruck: How Embracing Wonder Can Make You Happier, Healthier, And More Connected” (Shambala Publications, 2020). Dr. Paquette closely examines the history of awe, what it is, and how it impacts us.

What exactly is Awe? Dr. Paquette states “awe is the feeling that comes when we are in the presence of something so vast or profound it changes our understanding of the world. While it may come from experiences such as viewing a beautiful vista or watching a world class athlete perform at a high level, the main point is that we feel overwhelmed to be in its presence”.

Two conditions are needed to create a true awe experience. First, we must encounter something vast, be it physical, such as a mountain or sunset, or an idea or concept. The second condition is that the experience transcends our understanding of the world which leads to us changing our assumptions and accommodate this new perspective.

Physical Impact of Awe

 Awe is a very powerful emotion that can impact us in a variety of ways.  On a physical level, awe can change our brain, inflammatory system and our nervous system.

For instance, awe, along with other positive emotions, can have an anti-inflammatory effect. While a high level of inflammation can help our body fight disease and infection initially, continued high levels have been linked to poor health, diabetes, heart disease, and a weakened immune system. The experience of awe actually reduced inflammation levels.

Within our brain awe facilitates the release of a neurotransmitter called oxytocin which is associated with feelings of warmth and bonding.  The presence of awe was associated with an enhanced ability to focus and concentrate. In addition, the use of EEGs has identified specific brain waves associated with awe.

Further, awe is associated with activation of the Parasympathetic Nervous System which is related to our relaxation response and the ability to return to homeostasis. The latter is especially important as the Sympathetic Nervous System creates the fight or flight response.

Awe And Mental Health

 On a psychological level Awe produces a wide range of responses impacting our ability to relate to others, promote positive emotions, as well as making us more curious.

Sharing an awe filled experience with others, such as witnessing a sunset together, or viewing a beautiful mountain range creates feelings of being more connected to a group and less attuned to individual concerns. For our early ancestors who had such experiences it allowed them to become more collaborative improving their chances of survival.

Experiencing awe also strengthens our feelings of generosity and kindness, reduces a sense of entitlement, and improves our ability to make ethical decisions. As one researcher says “awe increases altruism”.  Awe also makes us more curious as we want to learn about the things that blow our minds. Overall, awe makes us happier, kinder and less stressed.

Most importantly, the psychological benefits of awe are seen to have long term impact and can last for weeks, and not dissipate quickly.  In fact, inducing awe experiences in individuals who have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, led to a reduction of their symptoms. The more awe experienced by the person, the less stress they experienced.

One additional benefit of awe is that it promotes feelings of humility, a phenomenon called the “small self”.  In this situation, our ego shrinks as we feel humbled in the presence of something vast and transcending. This facilitates our ability to connect to the others.

Other benefits of awe include improved critical thinking, enhanced creativity and a sense that time ‘expands” which reduces stress. As Dr. Paquette writes “Each of us has 24 hours in a day, no more no less. But while we may not be able to change time, awe can help us feel like we have a bit more of it”.

Impediments to Awe

 As awe provides so many benefits it would seem a no brainer for us to experience it as much as possible. However, this is easier said than done.

Our brains have been wired to experience a negative bias. Negative emotions are given greater weight than positive ones.  The reason for this goes back thousands of years. Our ancestors had to be attuned to potential threats in their world from dangerous animals to human enemies. They needed to “sleep with one eye open” to maintain their survival.

While the negativity bias served our ancestors well, currently most of us do not have to worry about being attacked by wild animals as we walk the streets. However, our brains still maintain this early mindset. Thus, searching for the worst continues to haunt us even in our modern world. As a result, it can lead to us overlooking the good and potentially awe-inspiring experiences.

One way to overcome the negativity bias is to retrain our brain to, as the old song says, “accentuate the positive”.  Dr. Paquette suggests writing down experiences that bring us joy, or keeping a daily gratitude list of at least three things during the day that we feel grateful about.  Making an effort to appreciate the good things reduces stress and improves our ability to experience awe.      

Awe Comes In All Sizes

In learning about awe, one may think that they have to travel to exotic places to see amazing sunsets, vast mountain ranges or visit incredible looking beaches to experience the feeling.

However, we do not have to fly to a far away or glamorous location to experience awe.  One of the biggest takeaways from this book was the idea that awe can be experienced in a variety of ways, many of which can be easily incorporated into our everyday life. We can cultivate the experience of awe.

Dr. Paquette outlines several ways for all of us to integrate awe into our daily lives. A few are highlighted below.

Slow down. Modern life presents many demands as we live at breakneck speed. However, taking the time to slow down and find stillness can be very rewarding. Take the time to notice your breath, savor a meal, immerse yourself in your senses in the moment. Look around to notice the colors, smell the air and listen to sounds. Make space for awe to emerge.

Unplug.  While technology can inspire awe, such as when we connect with someone far away, watch videos, and share photos, it comes at a price. By spending hours on our devices, we can feel more alone. Utilizing technology too much can limit our ability to connect with others, engage in meaningful pursuits and miss out on the beauty of the moment.

Find time to disconnect from tech. Even doing so for small periods of time can make a difference. Take a walk and leave the phone home. Visit a park and don’t check social media. If you visit a beautiful place don’t take a picture but experience it in the here and now. Notice the clouds, feel the breeze, hear the sounds and take it all in.

Sunset can be a powerful experience. If you have the opportunity watch it wherever you are. Savor the sun’s colors, observe how the light hits the surroundings and take in the natural beauty of what you are witnessing.

The Blue Marble is a photo of Earth taken by a crew member of Apollo 17. Looking at this picture can be a very powerful experience. Google it or find it on NASA’s website. Study the details, the colors and how black space surrounds our blue Earth.  Close your eyes and imagine you are seeing this from above. This can help connect us to the universe as well as the living beings on our planet.

The night sky can be an awe filled place. If possible, get away from areas with lights that detract from it.  When looking at the moon and stars think about how so many others across the world are doing the same thing at that moment. Reflect on how space is infinite and our universe is expanding.

Learn awe inspiring facts. The world is filled with incredible facts. Such as: black apples exist, there are giant pigs as big as polar bears, the world’s oldest tree is nearly 5,000 years old and Arctic foxes can survive temperatures as low as -70 degrees Celsius. Learn something that is absolutely mind blowing about our world. Expanding our mind can help get us in touch with the wonder around us. 

Savor the arts. If you enjoy architecture visit a skyscraper or holy building and tune into the construction. A play, dance performance or film can inspire awe. Music is a medium that can touch us in profound ways. Any form of art can leave us awestruck just as the experience of awe can inspire art.

Express gratitude to those that have helped us grow into the person you are. It can be anyone. Reflecting on how they impacted you can create a sense of awe for their compassion and how they touched your life.  Then reach out to them. Send a short email or letter thanking them. Expressing thanks in a such a meaningful way will help you feel in awe of that person.

Awe’s Well That Ends Well

It is clear that awe is an incredibly powerful experience that can impact our life in so many ways. Take the time to bring awe into your life. If you find yourself in an awe-inspiring situation don’t rush it.  Instead take the time to allow it to linger.  Indeed, you will find it well worth it!

            “He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand in rapt awe, is as good as dead. His eyes are closed”.  Albert Einstein.

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Five Ideas To Help You Parent During A Pandemic

There were not many books available on effective parenting during a Pandemic and for good reason.  No one could have imagined how your lives were going to change so rapidly without much time to prepare. Literally overnight, routines were shattered and the question of how long this will continue has yet to be answered.

Many families have been thrown for a huge loop.  Wondering how this will impact them financially, whether it is safe to go to the grocery store, or order in pizza, have become central concerns. In addition, many parents have been given the role of managing their child being schooled at home while at the same time covering their own work responsibilities if they are employed.

All of this, plus isolation from others, have placed extremely high levels of stress on families. Parents who previously felt confident in their role, can suddenly feel lost, overwhelmed, or just plain ineffective. I would like to offer some words of reassurance based on my years of treating children and parents, including my current work supporting families during the pandemic.

Look Out For Yourself

This is the most important piece of advice I would like to offer you. You will not suddenly lose your understanding and sensitivity while raising your child(ren) during the pandemic. However, the change in lifestyle along with other pressures can make you feel as if you forgot everything you knew about being a parent.

In order to have your energies, physical and mental, available to parent, you have to first make sure you have enough to give. Self-care is critical during this time. It is not a sign of selfishness to take some time out for yourselves. All parents need to replenish so their emotional tanks are full, otherwise they will feel nothing left to give their children.

So, go ahead and take the time to binge watch that T.V. series you always wanted to see, take time to work out, go for a bike ride, download a mediation app and use it, or attempt that 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle or that recipe you have been meaning to try. Set aside a definite time to pamper yourself

Nobody’s Perfect

Even under the best of circumstances, uncertainties about your parenting can emerge.  Self-doubt, can creep into many decisions we make. In part this can be fueled by believing that we must be flawless with no room for trial and error which incidentally, is a very effective form of learning.  You must not hold yourselves to an unrealistic high standard.

During this period, it can make sense to follow the path of least resistance. For instance, if your child wants an extra half hour on the iPad perhaps it is a good idea. However, they should know that while they enjoy greater access to video games, it is a function of the current situation.  When things return to normal (or some facsimile) access to video games will revert to prior pandemic levels.

Don’t compare yourself to other parents. Each child has a distinct genetic and emotional makeup and their dispositions can differ greatly. Comparing children is like equating apples to oranges.  While a particular strategy works for one parent, it does not mean it will work in your situation. Also, no one knows what really goes on behind the closed doors of other families.

“Invisible threads are the strongest ties.”  (Friedrich Nietzsche)

This quote by the renowned German philosopher, highlights the value of having meaningful connections with others. While it always has been important to have time to spend with friends, doing so now is crucial. This is as true for your kids as it is for you. As immediate family members are the only people you should see without social distancing, it can put a huge strain on those relationships.

Maintain contact with those outside of your family to reduce stress. Go for a socially distant walk with a friend, or arrange a zoom happy hour. I have seen teenagers, as well as adults, park their cars in a big circle in a parking lot and sit in their open trunks while they catch up. Friends can be a vital part of our maintaining a sense of normalcy during these very non normal times.

In fact, a recent study demonstrated that people who had an interaction with someone they care deeply about reported an increase in energy greater than people who drank a cup of coffee in the same time frame.

Also, try to reconnect with those you have lost touch with. Think about reaching out to that friend or relative you have not seen in years and check in to see how they are doing. This simple act of kindness will not only have a big impact on those you reach out to, but you will feel really good for doing so.

Give Gratitude

This can feel like a challenge especially if your family is dealing with the impact of Covid-19 first hand.  Because so much of your lives now are not under your control, this can contribute to feelings of passivity and helplessness. Eventually you may risk slipping into a state of depression.

An effective strategy to cope is to practice gratitude. Evidence demonstrates the positive impact that feeling gratitude can have on our emotional and physical states. Practicing gratitude can release feel good hormones in our brain which can elevate our mood.

When you brush your teeth in the evening or before falling asleep while lying in bed, think about three things you are grateful for that happened during that day. Try not to repeat the same things daily but really take the time to identify things that are unique to that day. They can be big or small. It may not always be easy but it will train your brain to seek out the positive around you.

“Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” (The Temptations)

Finally, follow the advice of that great Motown group, The Temptations. Do not hesitate to reach out if you feel you need support. Start with your partner or other close family member and try to work out a doable schedule that attempts to balance being a parent, spouse, employee and teacher. Parents will need to make significant changes in their division of labor to help each other out.

Don’t let pride keep you from reaching beyond the family for support.  Despite the pandemic, mental health professionals are available remotely to help you sort out your feelings and assist in coming up with strategies to help get your life back on track.

Final Word

No one would ever sign up to parent during a pandemic. However, we are all doing it. Remember to be kind to yourselves and allow for moments of anguish.  It is from these that we can emerge stronger than ever!

“I came to parenting the way most of us do — knowing nothing and trying to learn everything.” — Mayim Bialik, actress