Unwrapping The Truth: Honest Conversations About Santa Claus With Kids

I was having a parent counseling session with the parents of a seven-year-old I see for psychotherapy sessions.  One of the parents volunteered that she was grappling with a problem.  My patient asked her if Santa Claus was real.  The mom felt put on the spot and answered that he was real; however, she felt guilty about not being truthful and wondered if her child would hold it against her.

A Long-Standing Question

The reality of Santa Claus has long been a question that children have asked of adults who are often unsure how to respond.  Two well-known examples of Santa Claus’s validity being questioned come to mind.

          The most famous instance of a child asking if Santa Claus exists occurred when eight-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon of New York City wrote a letter to the editor of the New York Sun newspaper in 1897.  The brief letter said,

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.

Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.

Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN, it’s so.’

Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

          In a thorough response, the editor, Francis P. Church, told Virginia that Santa was real even though no one could see him.  Church added that he was as real as faith and love, urging young Virginia to keep believing.

          In 1947, the immensely popular film Miracle On 34th Street was released to critical acclaim.  In it, a young girl, played by Natalie Wood, suspects that a man hired to portray Santa at Macy’s department store may actually be him.  Due to a series of circumstances, the man is taken to court for a sanity hearing, with his defense being that he is indeed Santa Claus.

Santa Claus – The Backstory

The origins of the Santa Claus story have its roots in a real person, a bishop named St. Nicholas, who was of Greek origin.  St. Nicholas lived from 220 A.D. to 343 A.D. during the time of the Roman Empire.

           St. Nicholas was admired for being exceptionally kind, and many legends have sprung up about him.  One is that he had given away his inherited wealth and spent his time helping the poor and sick.  Another legend is that St. Nicholas saved three poor sisters from being sold into slavery or prostitution by their father by providing them with a dowry so that they could be married.

          Over time, the popularity of St. Nicholas spread, and he eventually became a patron saint to children.  A feast day on December 6th is in his honor, and this has become known as a lucky day to make large purchases or get married.

          St. Nicholas was very popular in the Dutch community.  In 1773 and 1774, large groups of Dutch families who resided in New York gathered to honor him on the anniversary of his death.  This was reported in the newspapers, and the story of St. Nicholas became more well-known in America over time.  The name Santa Claus, a variation of St. Nicholas’s name, Sinter Klass in Dutch, was soon adopted.

          Since then, Santa Claus has become a part of the Christmas season.

What Do Kids Believe About Santa Claus?

          Many children worldwide believe in Santa Claus because their parents and other adults tell them Santa is real.  In addition, a parent often leaves “evidence” that confirms Santa is real and visits their home to deliver gifts.  Food and candy left around the Christmas tree serve to confirm the visit.

          Not only do parents support the story of Santa Claus, but the outside world does too.  Children visit department stores or Christmas tree farms and see Santa Claus around them.

          Believing in Santa Claus is related to a child’s age and level of cognitive development.  Young children believe in Santa and other mythical figures such as the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.  Around seven or eight, children can still engage in magical thinking and have beliefs not based on reality.

          However, children’s cognitive and reasoning abilities are further developing, and by this time, they begin to realize the unrealistic elements of the Santa Claus story.  A survey of 1200 children regarding children’s attitudes toward Santa revealed that kids most fiercely hold onto the belief at age five, and then it begins to wane.  By ages eight to nine, children are doubting the story’s validity.

How To Tell The Kids

          Let your child take the lead on discussing this topic rather than arbitrarily introducing it.  Do not try to prolong this belief if your child seems ready to give it up.  The age at which a child can be told depends on the child.  There is not necessarily a set age.  As children age, their ability to grasp reality will improve, and they will question Santa’s existence independently.

          Perhaps your child will notice that Santa may look or sound different in various settings.  Or perhaps they may ask directly, “Is Santa real”?  These are clues that your child is beginning to put together different observations they have made and are ready to take in additional information.

          If your child asks that direct question, you can turn it around and ask them what they think.  Listen to their response carefully and decide on how you may want to proceed.  Also, think about your feelings about discussing this topic.  Are you ready to change your child’s belief about Santa?  If not, why?  Often, parents are not ready to have this conversation while their kids are.

          Often, kids may find out by accident, such as when a family member slips or they observe their parents putting the presents under the tree.  Alternatively, an older sibling or a friend may share this with them.  At this point, they may approach you to ask for further clarification.  These are good indicators that they are ready to hear the truth from you.

          Children may have different emotional reactions to hearing this news.  Some may take it in stride and point out that they already thought so.  Others may feel angry, betrayed, or sad upon hearing the truth.  Parents must be sympathetic and understanding listeners and point out that Christmas continues despite there being no Santa.  Give your child space and take their lead by giving them time to feel.

          Parents can say that Santa Claus is based on the real-life St. Nicholas, who embodied many wonderful qualities, including making children happy.  Indicate that Santa is a giving figure who does good things for people, just like St. Nicholas, and this is what Christmas is all about.  Enlighten your child about the power of being kind and generous to others, which they and you can do.

          After your child has processed this information, invite them to begin new Christmas traditions, such as helping to prepare the holiday dinner, wrapping presents, delivering gifts to nursing homes, or dropping toys at a shelter for homeless children.  In this way, they become a Santa for others.

Children can learn that Christmas is not just based on one individual but on several people working together.  It reinforces the idea that they can give selflessly to others.  

          It is also reassuring to know that no evidence telling children the truth about Santa Claus will negatively impact your child’s ability to trust you.  Many kids figure it out on their own and may play along with their parents for a while, as they see it brings joy to the family to do so.

A Final Word

          After children can process the truth, they will begin to see that Santa is a concept to express positive human values they can incorporate.

          The following quote by the conductor in the book The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg captures the essence of what Santa is about:

Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.”