How To Talk To Your Kids About The Riot At The Capitol
Watching History Unfold Live
On January 6th, the U.S. Capitol was overrun by rioters who temporarily took control of the building. It was a scene that not only was shocking but was also filled with violent images. As it unfolded in real-time, it was broadcast on live television when children were home watching the events occur.
Research has confirmed the impact of viewing violent, traumatic events on live television. One study found that some people who watched the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013 on television experienced more acute Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms than those at the event.
Following these events, parents were faced with the problematic situation of answering their children's questions about the day's harrowing events. Children look to their parents to provide understanding and reassurance. However, it was likely that many parents were feeling overwhelmed and frightened about what happened.
Signs to Look For In Your Child
Parents need to be sensitized to any changes in their child's behavior. Look for changes in your child's appetite and sleep patterns. Is your child becoming too clingy to you? Have there been mood changes? Are they complaining of physical symptoms? These could be signs that your child may be experiencing substantial anxiety.
Complicating your child's response to this event is their limited understanding of the reasons behind what happened. This can be experienced by kids as adults who randomly behaved in an out of control manner. . How does this then impact your child's view of their world? Kids do not have much control of their environment, and viewing adults engage in disorderly behavior heightens their fears.
Be Aware Of Your Own Reactions
How you handle your own anxiety about what happened is critical. If your child senses that these events have negatively impacted you, it will heighten their own stress level. Before talking to your child, find time to decompress. Talk to a friend or family member about your feelings and engage in self-care such as yoga, meditation, exercise, or breathing exercises. This will help you remain calm.
When talking to your child, you must convey feeling in control of your emotions. Even if you have deep worries about what happened, do not share them with your child. This will only serve to frighten them even more. Remember, your child is checking out your reactions, so verbal and nonverbal cues will be picked up.
Let Your Child Speak
In helping your child process stressful events, allow them to raise any concerns. If your child has not mentioned the riots, ask them if they heard about what happened. Your job is to be calm, nonjudgmental and inviting. Don't be too quick to limit their need to communicate. Offer information to clear up their misconceptions.
Less Is More
Having a school-age child be flooded with round the clock news is harmful. Very young children will not understand the vast majority of what they are seeing. It sets the stage for them to be easily confused or further overwhelmed. Parents should limit their news watching to preferably when their child is asleep.
Kids and teens on social media may be exposed to misinformation and rumors online. Parents need to closely monitor their child's sites and how long they are on social media. Your child will be better off by talking about what happened than seeing images, which can fuel a desire to emulate what they see. Above all, vet what sites your child (or teen) is viewing.
Don't Label People As Bad vs. Good
Refrain from using negative labels about the rioters. Instead, refer to their behavior as being wrong. Using pejorative labels is confusing to children. You don't want your child to think that it makes someone a bad person if they misbehave. It is helpful for children to view the distinction between the two. It is more useful to label what is bad rather than define a person as evil.
Reassurance is Key
Above all, your child needs to feel safe. Despite their viewing violence, tell your child that the situation is over and they are in no danger. Young children can't distinguish between seeing an event on T.V. that happened hours ago and whether or not that event is still occurring. A hug or words of reassurance can go a long way to quell their fear.
When stressed, kids and adults will not be able to process information that can help them. Respond to their immediate concerns before exploring more anxiety-provoking material with your child. When reassuring your child, don't forget to…
Mention The Helpers
"When I was a boy, and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping". – Fred Rogers
This quote by the esteemed children's television host Mr. Rogers has a great deal of wisdom. When presented with frightening situations, children need to experience their world as having people they can count on. Knowing the police and other first responders' roles can go a long way to instilling a greater sense of security when confronted with frightening situations.
Be Straightforward But Up To A Point
When talking with your child about what happened, they can tell if you are not being honest. Be direct and calm in your message. Do not minimize what happened. Thus, give a good deal of thought to what you decide to share with them.
On the other hand, it is not helpful to share too much with young children as they can have trouble understanding and make them more anxious. Don't feel you have to convey a lot of details to a young child. Follow their lead. If they want to know more, allow them to ask questions. Provide concise answers enabling your child to process what you said.
Label Your Feelings
Use this as an opportunity to share your feelings with your child. Don't hesitate to say if you are sad, mad, or worried. Providing a label for your emotions conveys to your child that they can do the same. It also lets them know that it is OK for them to share their own complicated feelings. For young children, this provides a new way for them to express themselves.
Share Coping Strategies
Use this event to demonstrate how your child can self regulate their emotions. Teach them some breathing techniques. A favorite is color breathing. In this exercise, have a child sit still with eyes closed and slowly inhale through their nose. As they briefly hold their breath, have them think of a calm color, and when they slowly exhale via their nose, they imagine they are exhaling that color.
Google additional breathing activities, or even download kid-friendly apps that offer these. You can also teach your child other relaxation methods such as visualization, yoga, or meditation. These are handy tools that children can utilize if they feel anxious or in a scary situation or even use it anytime.
Maintain Structure
During this time of upheaval, it is more important than ever to maintain your family structure. Keep family routines unchanged such as mealtimes, bedtimes, and keeping your child's school routine and other family activities intact. This can be very reassuring to a child in a world they may think is rapidly changing. This also helps a child feel a sense of control over their environment.
Practice Gratitude
Even in times of upheaval, there can be things that you can still feel grateful for. Express this to your child. Prepare gratitude lists several times per week of things you and your child sincerely appreciate. Research confirms that practicing gratitude helps release feel-good chemicals in our brains and enhance our mood and immune system.
Seize The Opportunity
Being a parent requires hard conversations with your kids. However, these can be a catalyst to deepen your relationship with them and set the stage for your child to feel comfortable approaching you when other crises occur. Don't be afraid of being that sounding board for your child in these situations. Embrace being a parent in this situation, allowing your child to embrace being a child.
"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share their calm, not join their chaos." L.R. Knost
