Togetherness

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends 

            Most of us are very familiar with this Beatles tune.  The message of the song embodies the importance of interpersonal relationships. The singer asks his companion if he would abandon him in times of trouble (“what would you do if I sang out of key, would you stand up and walk out on me”). He needs to be reassured that his friend will be there for him.           

            The presence or absence of meaningful relationships dramatically impacts our lives. While this makes intuitive sense, this phenomenon is examined from both a clinical and anecdotal perspective in a fascinating new book authored by a former Surgeon General of the United States. 

            Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by Dr. Vivek H. Murphy examines the need for affiliation and obstacles that get in the way of finding it.  Cutting-edge scientific research and anecdotes make for an enlightening and compelling read. 

Loneliness Is A Wide Spread Phenomenon 

            After becoming  Surgeon General, Dr. Murphy began conducting focus groups across the country, asking participants what significant health concerns the government could provide help. While conditions such as obesity, heart disease, and the opioid epidemic were identified, Dr. Murphy was surprised to see that another need was consistently recognized. 

            During his countrywide listening tour, it became clear that a particular topic was identified in Dr. Murphy’s words “wasn’t a frontline complaint.” However, it was closely linked to many of the significant health conditions that respondents closely identified. That variable was loneliness.  

            Loneliness magnified the pain that many of those that were experiencing health-related crises were dealing with. This was true for severe illness or an environmental concern, such as coping with the aftermath of a significant storm, as loneliness exacerbated stress.  Dr. Murphy became intrigued by this phenomenon and set out to study it in detail.  

            In 2020, The prevalence of Americans reporting they are lonely, specifically lacking companionship, and feeling left out was identified as exceeding 60%, increasing over 13% from when the study was conducted in 2018.  

The Biology of Loneliness & Connection 

            Scientific research and anecdotal reports confirm that we are hardwired for connection.  Anthropologists have identified that monkeys have primarily connected millions of years ago, not in pairs but groups. By affiliating with other primates, groups could be effective hunters and enhance their chances for survival. 

Connecting with others is as essential as air and water. Its absence places our lives in jeopardy. Living alone, lacking participation in social groups, having few friends and/or strained relationships, retirement, and physical impairments are all risk factors for premature mortality.  

            Loneliness can lead to long term health problems. Loneliness impacts the hormone cortisol, which is part of the body’s fight or flight response. The stress hormone loneliness can increase cortisol and put you at risk for fatigue, headaches, intestinal problems, elevated blood pressure, a weaker immune system, weight gain, and depressed libido.  

            Amazingly, one study found that a lack of close relationships increased by 50% the risk of premature death from all causes. This impact on the mortality rate is nearly equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and greater than obesity and physical inactivity. Limited social relationships increased the risk of stroke or cardiac difficulties  by approximately 30%

            In contrast, the health benefits of human connection are astounding.  For starters, it reduces stress levels and improves cardiac functioning, strengthens our immune system, and promotes a longer life span.            

The Psychology of Loneliness & Connection 

            Experiencing loneliness can have a significant impact on your mental health. Depression, anxiety, a decline in cognitive skills, problem-solving ability, and sleep difficulties are all associated with loneliness.  One study found that people who were exposed to violence are at risk of experiencing loneliness. 

            In contrast, in a recent study, participants reported more significant energy increases following and interaction with a loved one than a group whose members drank coffee. 

            One way to combat loneliness is by volunteering. When we contribute to enhancing life for others, it induces feelings of competence and purpose. It makes us feel we matter. This is an excellent way for older children and teens to feel more involved with their environment. They can have an opportunity to bond with others with a common interest.  

            Healthy social connection acts as insulation against stress while enhancing resilience. Studies confirm that having relationships helps us weather adversity. Having friends to confide in and support us truly makes a difference in our ability to cope.  

The Pandemic and Connection 

            The pandemic we find ourselves in has exacerbated feelings of loneliness for so many of us. Social distancing and winter (when this is written) have made it very difficult to get together with friends. Many feel isolated and cut off from peers, especially children who are attending school remotely. 

            While not a complete replacement for spending face to face quality time with peers, technology has become an essential means to stay connected. Zoom calls, video games, and social media have replaced quality in-person time for better or worse. Parents must monitor their child’s use of technology more vigilantly during this time.   

            Using technology is not synonymous with social media. Children can join online classes on a variety of topics that align with their interests. There are also educational websites that teach while kids have fun.   Children and teenagers must maintain a sense of purpose in the face of isolation. It is helpful for parents to encourage their children to reach out to others virtually during this time.  

That’s What Friends Are For 

            Friendships are a vital necessity.  A long-term study of college students from Harvard confirms this.  Interpersonal relationships are better predictors of health and overall happiness throughout life than IQ, wealth, or social class. The evidence is overwhelming that students do better in school when they can identify at least one adult they feel cares about them.  

            So take that time to invest emotionally in others.  The returns on that will be far more meaningful than the interest on that six month CD or a late-night online purchase. 

            “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten we belong to each other,”  Mother Teresa.